Do I fit in? Yes, I do!

'Should I be giving her a banana at 10 AM or some ragi porridge?'

'Will she feel hungry after 2 hours for lunch if I feed her ragi porridge now?'

'Is it okay to bribe her into this so she eats her dinner?'

'Oh! I feel so guilty letting her watch rhymes on Youtube!'

For me, the doubt of whether I fit quite right 'as a mother' dawned the moment I entered motherhood. My initial days of motherhood were filled with an overhaul of mixed emotions. A sprinkle of joy, a dash of doubtfulness, and waves of emotions that I wasn't confident to handle. There were so many days when I strongly felt that 'I don't quite fit right into the role of a mother'. I was 24 years old when I became a mother. So, there was this constant fight with the devil mind which kept telling me that I should have had a baby few years later. Especially, when you see your college seniors staying single till 27 and 28, without thinking about what to cook for dinner for a 2 year old back at home so that she finds it really interesting to chew on and not spit out!

After two years of battling parenthood and my emotions munching on the thought that I didn't quite fit right in the role of a mother, one fine day, I immersed myself consciously into a deep pool of introspection. Do I fit right now? Has motherhood nurtured me in some way? Have I learnt something at the end of every day in these two years? I couldn't deny saying 'Yes'. As much as it might sound cliched, the fact is when you are a mother, you are learning every other day. And you are growing as a mother. One fine day, you do feel like you fit there but if you stop learning, you will be stuck in the wrong size again.

I decided to stop cribbing about not fitting right and made a decision to start discovering the mother in me along with my daughter. I started doing things that my little one loves to watch and admire. I went back to doing what I love to do the most - sketching and drawing. My daughter loved this exercise.

What next?  I began drawing rangolis of cartoon characters at home. 

She was eager and looking forward to see a new cartoon at the doorstep every morning when she woke up. 'Amma*, pudhu kolam enna?. (What new Rangoli have you drawn today?)' she asks in her childish language

I realized that motherhood is indeed delightful when I began relishing the opportunities it gave me. Motherhood is an opportunity to aspire and become a role-model for another human being that you brought into this world bearing the pain of labour. It is a challenging uphill task as well, no doubt. But the moment you start shredding the doubts about whether you fit right as a mother and begin exploring what opportunities it offers you, that's the perfect 'eureka' moment!

Most importantly, only a mother can assess herself and declare to her own self how successful she has been as one because nobody else goes through what a mother goes through! It took me two long years to discover this, but it's not too late. I have a long journey ahead with my daughter who is the only motivation for me to wake up every morning and face the day with pride and confidence of being a mother. 

And nowadays, I feel that I am a #PerfectFit as 'Hari Amma*' for my little Dhwani :)

Yours,

Haripriya

Amma* = Mother

This story is an entry for the blogging contest 'That didn't fit right: A Blogger Contest with Buttercups' for Women's Web.

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